Turn Around Where Possible
by Windsett
Summary: Sugar Rush gets an upgrade with lots of new tracks, but someone has to test drive them first. Ralph doesn't want the job, but at least he's got Vanellope as a back seat driver and a selection of sat nav guides to give him directions. Will such a winning combination give him a stress free and enjoyable driving experience? Of course they won't.
1. Neutral 1

**AN: This was inspired by a post I saw a while back on tumblr that wondered what it would be like to have King Candy as your sat nav voice. Credit for that idea goes to whoever came up with it (sorry I can't remember who originally posted it), and I've just expanded on it and thought what it would be like if most of the characters had a voice on one. This is just an excuse to write something stupid and light-hearted, when I need a break from all the dark and serious stuff I usually write!**

* * *

**Neutral – User Guide**

'Vanellope, what are we doing here?'

'Guh-doy, we're going for a drive!'

Ralph looked down at the President in undisguised concern, who was leaning happily against her kart. None of the events he'd been invited to in Sugar Rush had ever gone according to plan, and its ruler never let minor things such as health and safety get much in the way of doing something she thought could be fun. Recent memories of his first and only race with the other Sugar Rush racers flooded back to him, and made him shudder.

'Stop trembling like a big sissy! You know my game's just got an upgrade with all these cool new race tracks added on, and as President it's my duty to test them out before anyone else uses them.'

Ralph looked at his friend in even greater scepticism. 'Characters in your game will already know the track layout, as they got a memory upgrade when the tracks themselves got installed. And don't tell me they haven't already raced every single one of them, because I know they have!'

'I don't mean _my _people!' Vanellope rolled her eyes, as if this was the most obvious thing in the world. 'I mean characters from other games. It'll be nice to have company over, since we didn't get much in the past fifteen years, and they've gotta feel safe to race these new tracks. I don't want them taking a wrong turn or poppin' their clogs on me out here. El Presidente's got enough on her plate without scraping up road kill!'

Ralph gaped, and Vanellope grinned. 'Ah I'm just kiddin'! But seriously, I don't want anyone getting lost or squished out here, so I ordered up some help for them to use if they want to have a race with us, or just take a drive by themselves.'

'What kind of help? You mean like road signs saying 'watch out for falling gumballs?''

'Nope!' Vanellope grinned even wider. 'Ever heard of sat navs? Nah thought not, since you're from a game set inthe _olden _times. When they turned on the electricity in the Nicelander's apartment I bet you all thought it was witchcraft!'

'Age comes with experience kid, don't forget that.'

'Yeah, well you don't have experience in driving. No-one outside of Sugar Rush does, 'specially not for these new tracks. Which is why you're gonna drive, and test out these sat navs. I asked for three, but ended up with a whole sackful! Seemed like loads of people wanted to put their voice on one when news of the project leaked out.' Vanellope reached behind her kart, and struggled to lift up a large container full of the driving aids.

'Only thing is they forgot to put any labels on, so it's a lucky dip.'

Ralph peered into the open container. 'There's loads in here! I'm not driving all day just to listen to- wait, _who_ will I be listening to? And who even _created _these?'

Vanellope hefted the bag of devices into the kart. 'It was a joint effort between Felix, Surge Protector, Calhoun, some of her guys and my good self. Which means they'll be perfect because I was involved! No, really, they _a_re good – they don't just have all the tracks programmed in and give out directions, but they can tell who's driving and interact personally with you. Hundred percent guaranteed to make any drive in this glorious kingdom fun, educational, and something to tell all your friends about!'

Ralph scratched his check with a finger. 'I don't know kid, I'm not the best driver about.'

'I know! _Every_one knows that. Which is why you're perfect to test them out. _Pleeeeaeaaaaase?'_

Vanellope clasped her hands together, and looked up at Ralph in exaggerated adoration.

Ralph sighed, and ran a hand back through his hair. 'Fine. But if I crash and die, I'm coming back to haunt you for life!'

'Deal!' Vanellope jumped into the small space at the back of her kart, the bag of sat navs wedged in beside her. 'We'll pick an easy track for you first – the Walnut Whip Around. It's got, uh, nuts and things that pop out of the ground, and some winding tracks that get pretty narrow and dangerous and oh, there's this awful brittle bridge that just _collapses _on you without any warning, and let me tell you it _hurts_ when a piece of nut crunch gets stuck in your-'

'_What_? That doesn't sound easy! It sounds like it's-'

'Ralph come on! Let's goooooooo!'

Hoping all that description was just exaggeration, Ralph supressed another sigh and climbed carefully into the driver's seat. He pressed the start button and, as the kart's engine ignited into life, he thought it best he just got this crazy whim of hers over and done with as soon as possible.

'So who's directing us first?'

'I told you, I don't know! The labels came off and they all look the same. Here, try this one.' Vanellope passed Ralph a dull black rectangle at random. It was small and squat, and had an empty viewing screen on the front. Ralph turned it over, examining it, and found a small indentation on the top right of it. He pressed it, and the screen flashed white. But then it flashed again, and the words OPERATIONAL ERROR appeared in bright red letters.

'Hey, what's the deal kid?'

Vanellope snatched the sat nav back and pressed a few more buttons, screwing up her face as she did so. 'Drat. But don't sweat it Big Guy – there's just a small bug in it. Well in all of them actually; seems like someone messed up on the construction line, and now the viewing screen's busted. It won't show up any maps or arrows or anything, but you'll still hear the voice telling you where to go.' She passed it back, and with an even greater show of reluctance Ralph locked it into position on the dashboard.

'The guides have been synced in to the tracks themselves, so as soon as you choose one we'll automatically be transported there. Pretty cool, huh?'

The Wrecker thought it was anything but cool, but still used a finger to swipe the error message away. In its place he was presented with a reduced menu to choose from. Various available race tracks were listed, but only in text. The mini maps that would have accompanied them were broken, so it wasn't possible to get a picture of what you were racing into. Ralph selected Walnut Whip Around from the list, and could have sworn the words 'Advanced Track Selected – Experienced Racers Only!' flashed up briefly before they pixelated and disappeared. Before Ralph could exclaim at this horrifying possibility, he too pixelated and disappeared.

In the next moment he found himself still sitting in the kart with Vanellope behind him, but they were at the start line of a racing track. Everything around him looked hard and tough, with various nut like rocks in every shade of brown he could imagine. A wide mountain soared into the sky in front of him, and what looked suspiciously like a brittle nut bridge swayed precariously off of one side off it.

The next menu on the sat nav flashed up, drawing Ralph's attention back to it. Two buttons had 'Voice 1' and 'Voice 2' under them respectively.

'I thought you said it was one character per machine?' He asked over his shoulder.

Vanellope shrugged. 'It is. I guess some people wanted to have a couple different voices to choose from.'

Ralph hovered his finger over Voice 1, but then felt something tell him to choose differently. He pressed firmly on the Voice 2 button, and the menu dissolved to be replaced by a screen of corrupted blue and silver pixels. The graphics were busted, but the audio was perfect, and the voice that spoke out of the speakers was crystal clear.

'_Hoo-hoo, I see you've chosen me, King Candy, as your game's avatar! Er, I mean driving guide. Walnut Whip Around? You sure? Well OK then, but don't say I didn't warn you. Welcome to Sugar Rush, oh sweet and fearless driver!_

_Welcome to the greatest track of them all!_

_Welcome…to the Boss Level!'_


	2. First Gear

**First Gear - Walnut Whip Around**

'Boss level?!' Ralph spun around sharply. 'You said this was an easy track!'

'Ah don't be such a big diaper baby! Just drive!'

Ralph didn't move, but after a second his angry glare began to evolve into one of concern. 'You sure you want to listen to _King Candy_? After all he did to you and your game?'

Vanellope set her mouth, and folded her arms. 'I'm not scared of that old faker. This _is_ mygame, and I'm not letting him boss me about!'

'But you will let him _direct_ us about, that right?'

'If you're wimpin' out on me just speak up, and I'll get Felix to come over and dry your baby tears away.'

'Fine!' Ralph turned back around, and slowly put the car into gear and set off. 'Which one of your work committee thought it would be a good idea to put _his_ voice into a guide anyway?'

But before Vanellope could answer, Ralph stalled the kart and sent it juddering to a halt.

'_Milk my duds, you do know what a clutch is for don't you?'_

'Hey! Easy on the sneering there, puff pants. Do you want to be turned off?'

'_Do you want me to direct you around this track?'_

'No, not really!'

'But I _do_!' Vanellope pleaded. 'Try again Ralph. _Please_?'

Ralph sighed, and put the kart into gear again. In agitation he stomped down too hard on the accelerator and sent the kart flying forward.

'Yeah, that's more like it Ralphy! Fly like the wind!'

They sped forward, and climbed up a slope into a valley of hazelnut hills.

'_Hoo-hoo, avoid the nuts there.'_

'Really? You don't think I should steer right into them?'

'_Hoo-hoo, avoid the nuts there.'_

'That all you got?' Ralph gripped the steering wheel tighter. 'How about _telling _me how to avoid them?'

'_See the gaps between them? Might want to try them first.'_

'Oh ingenious; you must be the deluxe model that costs an arm and a leg.'

'_Speaking of which, what __**do**__ you call a__ guy with one arm and no legs who holds up your car?_

'What?' Ralph glanced down at the sat nav and then sharply back up, as the shadow of a huge nut rock fell over them, forcing him to steer sharply around it. 'Give the dumb jokes a rest and tell me how to get out of here!'

'_I'll give you a clue: It's not you. Clue…and you…hoo-hoo, that rhymes!'_

Before Ralph could give an appropriate response to that, a dull sound like thunder crept into their ears. Ralph risked a glance up at the sky, but it was its usual brilliant blue. He risked another glance at Vanellope, who grimaced good-naturedly. 'Guess I forgot to tell you about the Big Boulder here.'

'Big Boulder?' Ralph swerved around another series of half-embedded nuts, and heard the rumble of thunder getting louder. 'This is no time for smirking kid, this is serious!'

'Ah don't sweat it! No-one ever gets squished by it; it's huge and brown and you can't miss it. And it only follows you to the end of the valley. Oh, and it only shouts at you if you're dumb enough to actually touch it.'

'Follows me? _Shouts _at me_?' _He looked over the side of the kart, where loose pebbles and dirt had begun to vibrate and bounce up and down on the ground. 'And who am I supposed to follow _out_ of here? Mr. Sat Nav Stand Up?'

'_Hoo-hoo, do you want another clue?'_

'I want you to shut up and get us out of here!'

'…_so you want me to be silent yet __**still**__ give you verbal directions? Well now I've heard everything, and that includes Sour Bill singing.'_

In exasperation Ralph banged his head on the steering wheel. He would have been almost content to leave it there, had a large stone not struck him on the back of his neck. He immediately sat up, shifted gear, and picked up the pace. A light shower of pebbles and dirt began to rain down on them, as the ground trembled ever harder.

'Which way do I go? There are rocks the size of houses here, and they- argh!' Ralph stomped on the brake and swerved sharply. '-like to spring up suddenly out of the ground, just like that!

'_You're not paying attention to the joke: what do you call a__ guy with one arm and no legs who holds up your car?'_

'I call him 'tell me where to go or you're getting chucked over the side!'' Ralph straightened the wheel and sped up, as the ground shuddered even harder.

'_Well since you're clearly possessed of only limited intelligence, I'll put you out of your misery and tell you: it's Jack! Get it? Get it? Hoo-hoo!'_

'That's it, I'm turning him off!' Ralph reached out to swipe the sat nav's screen, but the sight in front of him forced him to grip the wheel with both hands tightly.

A huge walnut boulder was trundling almost pleasantly in front of them, having just appeared from behind an especially large hazelnut. It was dark brown and looked tough and uncrackable, and effortlessly flattened everything in its path. It also had tiny blue eyes, a button nose and a wide mouth with one tooth in the middle of it. It looked down at Ralph and grinned widely, and began to raise an arm. In the arm was a bright pink nutcracker, with white flowers painted on it.

Ralph knew his mouth had dropped open into an incredibly unflattering gawp, but he couldn't do anything about it. In fact he couldn't do anything about _any_thing, so transfixed was he with the bizarre sight in front of him. He sat paralyzed in the steadily accelerating kart, his foot on the accelerator and his hands wrapped around the wheel.

'Getting' a bit close there Racin' Rita,' Vanellope chuckled nervously. 'In fact you're getting a bit _too_ close now, really, you might want to ease back a bit, or turn, or- Ralph _watch out!'_

Without meaning to, Ralph drove full tilt to smack straight into the boulder. The front of the kart crunched into it at nearly full speed, the wheels spinning fiercely but uselessly, kicking up clouds of ground nut dust into the air, as its passengers gripped onto anything they could to prevent themselves being thrown out of it. As if experiencing a delayed reaction, the Big Boulder leisurely glanced down at the commotion below it. It tilted its head in curiosity for a while, but then its previously smiling mouth first straightened into a line, then curled downwards into an angry scowl.

It then gripped the nutcracker hard, its eyes turned red, and it _roared_.

'Go Ralph go! You've touched it and now it'll kill you!' Vanellope gasped in genuine fear.

'_What?!_ You said it would just shout at me!'

'It shouts _as_ it hurts you! Put it into reverse, come on come on come on!'

Ralph crunched the gear stick as the Big Boulder slowly raised its arm, the heavy nutcracker glinting in the sun. Still with his eyes locked on the Boulder's angry red ones, Ralph pushed down hard on the accelerator. But the kart didn't move; the engine only whined and squealed as if in pain.

'_Milk my soon to be dead duds! You really __**don't **__know what a clutch is for, do you? Stop messing about and put us into gear!'_

'Arrrgh!' Ralph tore his eyes away, and concentrated on depressing the clutch and shifting the stick into reverse. 'Why can't the karts just be automatic? How hard would that be? I mean seriously, how friggin' hard?'

'Stop whining like a baby and _driiiiiiiive!_'

Ralph followed Vanellope's second instruction and reversed sharply, his knuckles white on the steering wheel. And it wasn't a moment too soon, because a split second after the kart shot backwards, a huge metal nutcracker crashed into the space they'd just left. The Big Boulder lifted the nutcracker out of the deep crater it had made and roared again.

Now that Ralph had started talking he couldn't stop, as terror threatened to overwhelm him. 'You said that boulder freak was only going to _follow_ me out of the valley!'

'First of all _you're_ a freak, not Big Boulder! That's just rude. And second of all he _was _gonna follow you, but only so he could wave you a friendly goodbye! Or so _she _could. We don't know if it's a guy or a gal or a something else, and you know _why_ we don't know? Because we're not dumb enough to try and touch it!'

'Hey, I didn't set out to make an _effort _to touch it!'

'Yeah that's right – you just gaped at it like a fat fish out of water and kneecapped it!'

'_Children, children, children! Shut up and get us out of here. I'm not programmed to listen to you two bicker all day.'_

'No, you're just programmed to tell stupid jokes and _not_ tell us where we're supposed to go!' Ralph took one hand off the wheel and pointed a finger at the sat nav. 'I blame you for this!'

'_Well you can't blame me when you reverse into that huge hazelnut behind us! Hit the brakes!'_

Ralph slammed the brakes on and twisted the wheel, missing the sharp nut rock behind them with only inches to spare. The Big Boulder began to stomp towards them, each huge step making the smaller rocks on the ground bounce up and down. Still moving, Ralph turned the wheel again to straighten the kart in order drive forwards. Another huge roar behind him gave him all the encouragement he needed to move quickly up the gears and pick up speed.

'_That's more like it! Now how about we leave this valley?'_

'Well actually I'd rather stay here and chat with our fossilised friend for a bit.'

'_Really?'_

'No of course not really!' Ralph glanced over his shoulder to confirm their pursuer was still there, and without slowing down he swerved around a series of jagged hills and half-submerged nut rocks. 'Now do your job and give me directions out of here!'

'Pretty sweet driving Sewerbreath!' Vanellope yelled in approval.

Ignoring her, Ralph aimed the kart through a narrow gap between two large rocks. They shot through it with not much room left on either side to spare, and shortly after heard the Big Boulder stride through them as if they were nothing more than crumpled tissues.

'_Would you say his driving is as __**sweet**__ as a nut? Get it? Hoo-hoo!' _

'I get that you're about to have a long lasting career in the trash! Now which way out of here?'

'_I'm only trying to entertain! A few last laughs before you die should be welcomed.'_

'We wouldn't _be_ about to die if you worked like you should!' Ralph released one hand from the wheel and smacked the sat nav on its side. It wobbled in its holder on the dashboard, and threatened to pop out over the side of the zooming kart entirely.

'_Alright alright! Keep your hair on. Keep going until you see the rock with three dark stripes down its front. Then take a right and keep all the other black striped rocks on your left, and you'll come out of the valley and reach the base of Pecan Peak.'_

'There, that wasn't too hard was it?'

Ralph followed the directions, carefully twisting the kart left and right amongst the seemingly random collection of sharp rocks, to finally come to a flat piece of land. To the left and right were trees as tall as skyscrapers blocking their way, their green covered tops only just about visible. Behind them was the hazelnut hill valley, where the Big Boulder was still stomping relentlessly towards them.

And in front of them lay the base of Pecan Peak, the huge brown mountain Ralph had glimpsed at the start of the track. Side-tracks rippled around its circumference, as what looked like the main path ate up its centre in a suspiciously straightforward looking way. Sheer drops surrounded the mountain, and a tiny bridge with no side rails swayed gently off of the summit.

'_You have reached your destination!'_

'What?' Ralph snapped incredulously, as he slowed the kart down. 'We're nowhere near the end of this track!'

'_You have reached your destination!'_

'You're useless!'

'_You have reached your destination! Have some candy!'_

'Have my fist in your face!'

Ralph made as if to punch the sat nav into pieces, but Vanellope stretched out an arm to stop him. 'Don't!'

'I can't listen to any more hoo-hooing without smashing something soon kid! That is if your boulder friend doesn't smash _us_ first.'

'It's got two voice options don't forget – try out the second one.'

Ralph hesitated, as the temptation to destroy the sat nav and chance driving the track unaided whispered a strong case to him.

'_Please?_ For an out-of-date eight-bit Wrecker you didn't drive too badly. And since we're technically not out of the valley yet, Big Boulder still wants to crack you somewhere you don't _ever_ want to be cracked.'

With a sigh, Ralph clumsily poked the sat nav's screen until the two voice option buttons appeared. He jabbed the Voice 2 box sharply, and the sat nav twisted slightly out of place. A new voice came out of the machine, sounding mildly bored and more than faintly amused.

'_Oh, I see you've finally decided to choose me, Turbo, the greatest racer ever! Now pay attention and let a __**real **__driver tell you what to do.'_

'Oh, _no_.'


	3. Second Gear

**Second Gear - Walnut Whip Around**

Ralph glanced back at Vanellope in concern, as the kart continued a slow craw towards the base of Pecan Peak. 'Don't worry kid, I'm just gonna turn him off. We don't need to hear _Turbo_ of all people tell us what to do.'

'_Hey, watch what you're saying there Jumbotron! I'm right __**here**__ don't forget. So speak nicely to me, because I'll be much better at giving you directions instead of that old guy who, get this, feeds candy to his citizens that actually __**are**__ candy. I mean have you ever heard of such a sick thing in all your life?'_

Ralph raised his eyebrows and felt his jaw drop as he looked at the sat nav. 'Are you actually listening to yourself? You _were_ that guy!'

'_No, I'm __**Turbo**__, the greatest racer ever!'_

'Unbelievable,' Ralph muttered incredulously, as the base of the mountain crept ever closer.

'Greatest racer ever?' Vanellope scoffed. 'The gummy bears race better than him, and they tend to melt with fear when they go faster than 10mph. Leave him on, and let him see how _we _drive.'

'_You both can't drive for toffee! Now pay attention to someone who actually knows what they're doing, before you crash out and die permanently.'_

'Oh good, a supportive and inspirational guide - just what we need after our last attempt!' Ralph shook his head. He wanted to destroy the sat nav more than ever, but a part of him agreed with Vanellope: Turbo didn't know everything, and it would give him an unashamedly large amount of satisfaction if they proved him wrong and actually completed this track. So he took a deep breath to compose himself, and concentrated on the obstacle in front of him. The ground still rumbled behind him, as the Big Boulder strode confidently towards them.

'I'm guessing we head straight up the main path on the mountain?' Ralph mused out loud, as he changed gears and picked up speed.

'_Your observational skills make me weep with awe. It's not often I'm in the presence of a master, but there's a first time for everything…'_

Gritting his teeth and biting back a curt reply, Ralph steered the kart into the main path that ate up the mountain. As soon as he did so he heard a grinding roar from the Big Boulder, whose vicious nutcracker and unpleasant intentions had been successfully avoided. The path was grey and speckled with gold, and was wide and accommodating. It was an easy drive up to the near summit of the mountain, but Ralph's apprehension grew with each rotation of the kart's candy coated wheels. There was no _way_ it could be this easy for him; as much as he wanted the drive to be, he simply didn't believe it would be.

'_Just to put your rusted mind at rest, this path continues in a straight line all the way to the top. So if it's not too difficult, you might want to drive in a straight line as well. But don't think I'm trying to __**dictate **__to you or anything; the final call is yours after all.'_

Ralph did exactly as seemed logical, and drove in a straight line up the mountain. But, before he he'd travelled more than a few more metres, the path before them vanished and a huge rock wall instantly appeared in its place. Ralph was forced to slam his foot onto the break to avoid crashing headlong into it and he yanked the steering wheel hard to the right, where an open path had suddenly materialised for them to follow.

'…_oops…'_

Ralph managed to avoid an almost fatal crash by mere millimetres, and as soon as he'd straightened the kart, he found that it was at the very top of a large slope downwards. Even though he hadn't even touched the accelerator, he found himself zooming down the slope to whatever awaited at the bottom.

'Thanks for the heads up back there!' Ralph shouted angrily, as he pumped the break and tried to slow their descent. 'Thanks _very_ much!'

'_Geez, no need to act like a diva about it; this isn't much of a slope anyway, and it's not like you hit anything or hurt anyone.' _

'You should have _told_ me about it! I could have taken a left and ended up flying off the mountain!'

'_But you __**didn't**__. Everything turned out fine, so stop giving me an earache about what could have happened but didn't. Call yourself a good driver? Even a marginally semi-competent one knows to expect the unexpected when behind the wheel, so your blah blah blahing does nothing to revise my opinion that you're as bad as that kid who once played my game with both eyes closed and one finger up his nose.'_

'I repeat my earlier question to you, President Pratface: which member of your braniac workteam had the bright idea to program _him_ as a voice? I mean seriously, why? Just…_why?_ Why on earth would they _do_ that?'

'You really do moan a lot, you know that?' Vanellope replied loudly, as they continued their whooshing descent down the smooth slope.

Before Ralph could construct an appropriate retort, he found himself driving along one of the minor tracks that circumvented the entire mountain. He squinted slightly and concentrated, because there was a narrow and winding road ahead, and the slope still hadn't levelled out.

'_I know that road looks all scary and curvy like that, but guess what? Roads don't always go in a straight line! Completely shocking I know. You might actually want to write that one down.'_

'There's half a dozen tracks leading off of the main curve and we don't seem to be slowing down, so put your big mouth to use and tell me which one to take!' Ralph demanded, as he applied the brake but failed to slow the kart in its downward trajectory.

'_Big mouth? That's rich coming from Mountain Man here. And at least my mouth isn't full of a stench that knocks over animals and makes small children cry.'_

'No, you just make small children cry when you try to murder them!'

'…_.two of these tracks are dead ends, one leaps straight off of the side of the mountain, one is a fake and sends you racing over thin air, one is real, one takes you back to the start, one takes you back halfway and the other one plops you into something worse than boiling hot diet cola. I know I'm not supposed to have favourites, but that last one…'_

'That's it, change him back!'

'There's no time!' Vanellope pointed ahead. All of the diverting tracks that went left or right were bunched close together, and dead ahead a huge tree was fast approaching to block their way. 'Choose a path quick Stinkbrain, or we really will end up squashed!'

'Which one Turbo?' Ralph yelled.

'_Oh so you want my help now do you? You've actually lowered yourself to say my __**name**__? Well let me just stop right here for a quick breather and hold a mild celebration, before this wonderful dream ends and I-'_

'NOW RALPH NOW!' Vanellope shrieked, as she sat up straight and held her breath.

'ARGH!'

With a yank of the wheel Ralph turned sharply right into the second from last bend, before the curved track ran out. This side track was strewn with loose pebbles, which flew up to hammer the car and scratch their skin. Vanellope glitched, and Ralph raised a huge hand to cover his face from the sharp rocks.

'_Yes that's right, no need to actually __**look**__ at the track ahead of you – why would you want to do such a crazy thing like that?'_

'Where does this track go?' Ralph demanded, as he lowered his arm to glare at the sat nav.

'…_ask me nicely.'_

'I'll not _asking_ you, I'm _telling_ you! Which. _Way?'_

'_Those dents won't come out of your kart easily, believe me I know. It always took me __**ages**__ to get my kart clean and smooth when it got damaged. I know regeneration takes care of them after each race and that's fine if you're satisfied with default __**factory **__settings, but I had higher standards than the other racers. You do know you shouldn't have chosen this path, don't you?'_

'TURN HIM OFF!' Ralph bellowed, as he fought to maintain control of the kart along its winding, descending, rubble strewn path that caused the kart and its passengers to judder and jolt with ever sharp stone they drove over.

With a resigned sigh, Vanellope leaned forward and stretched out a finger towards the sat nav, but then abruptly raised it to point into the distance. 'Look, we've come back half-way round! At least this track didn't kill us.'

'No thanks to this idiot!'

'_You never gave me a __**chance**__ to help you. Too busy insulting me and yelling, weren't you? There's no need to hate me just because I'm better than you Ralph; I can't help that I'm so good. Or popular. Or desired by all. You of __**all**__ people should know how someone's programming can affect them.'_

Ralph shut his eyes briefly, tightly, wishing he'd never got out of bed this morning and vowing to never set foot in a kart with Vanellope ever again. 'Just tell us which path to take from the main curve will you!'

'…_say please.'_

'Unbelievable, it's just…' Ralph muttered, before the sight of the giant curve and its various side-tracks, most of which promised a painful death, loomed ahead of them and cut him off. He wasn't sure how he'd managed to find himself higher up the mountain again when he'd done nothing but tear _down_ slopes, but he was coming to the realisation that nothing about this track would surprise him any more. He sighed. '_Please _will you tell us which track to take so we don't die ahead of our time?'

'_Oh that's very tactful, that is; talking about death to someone who's experienced it first-hand. I know we all die in our games, but you've never really __**died**__ died, have you? Whereas I have. I __**have!**__ Tell me Ralph, were you always programmed to be this blunt and selfish?'_

Ralph's mouth fell open. 'That's it, I-'

'_But lucky for you I'm in a generous mood today. Take the third track on the left. You __**are**__ able to count that far ahead, aren't you? If it gets too complicated to use your huge warthog fingers to do so just tell me, and I'll count for you. In fact we'll all count along __**together**__. Now isn't that nice of me to offer? Isn't that __**helpful**__ of me? Why I get such a bad rep from everyone I'll never know…'_

Ralph gritted his teeth and turned carefully into the third exit. This track was smooth and straight, and was the correct path to the very top of the mountain. After a few more seconds easy driving they emerged onto the summit, and despite himself Ralph couldn't help but admire the stunning view laid out below him. The sky was a brilliant blue, the land below him a vibrant blanket of green and brown, and he literally felt as if he was on top of the world.

Until, that is, he found himself heading towards the precarious looking rope bridge. It was composed of wooden planks, and had only a tiny and nearly invisible string of thread running along each side. Such a precaution was pointless, and served only to emphasize how dangerous the crossing was.

'Got any tips for crossing it?' Ralph asked gruffly, as he downshifted gears and slowed the kart. 'And by that I don't mean 'just drive straight across it and try not to fall off of the sides.''

'…_what's the point of me being switched on if you're just going to say what I'm programmed to tell you? Are you trying to do me out of a job? You are, aren't you? Still not satisfied with your own, are you? This'll be the Sugar Rush Cy-Bug Incident all over again, I just know it…'_

Ralph shook his head. '…why am I still surprised? I shouldn't be, but I…' he broke off, and forced himself to concentrate on positioning the kart to meet the bridge. With no small amount of trepidation, he then drove the kart onto it. The wooden boards creaked under the kart's weight, and even in the still and hot air, the bridge rocked alarmingly from side to side. Ralph found himself holding his breath as he drove slowly over it, his fingers tight on the wheel and every muscle tight with nerves.

'_Any time you feel like kicking up the speed Grandma, just send me a letter. It'll get there quicker than you'll get to the end of this track.'_

'In case you'd forgotten, I'm the only one of us that can actually _die_ out here!'

'_Oh here we go again with the death thing. Cry me a diet cola river Wreck-It…'_

'Are you listening to this?!' Ralph shouted behind him, as he deliberately drove even slower.

Vanellope sighed. 'He's got a point though Stinkbrain.'

'_What?_'

'There are dead _snails_ moving faster than us.'

'I'm being careful!'

'You're being _boring_!'

'Well excuse me if I don't want to fall to my doom! Seriously, kid, do you really expect people to _voluntarily _drive on this death track?'

'No, Scaredy Cat Sally, I don't; I expect people to _race _on this track, and to do so before I get as old as your game is.'

Ralph gripped tighter, his knuckles turned white, and stress cracks began to form in the rock hard candy wheel. Despite a sigh from Vanellope and a snort from the sat nav, Ralph held the pace of the kart at a crawl. His efforts paid off, as he finally crossed the bridge without incident and reached the other side, edging off of the wooden planks onto green grass. In the not too far distance a large sign flashed green and silver, and beckoned racers forwards with the promise of CROSS TO FINISH THE RACE HERE!

'Sweet Mother Hubbard I've never seen such beautiful words!' Ralph exclaimed in relief. He felt his entire body slump with relief, a wide smile stretch across his face, and then his stomach soar upwards as the ground beneath them suddenly vanished.

They plummeted downwards like a stone, white cliffs flashing and loose stones whizzing past their sides. The drop was sudden and terrifying and sucked them down mercilessly. Ralph gripped the wheel like a life vest, pointlessly floored the brake, screamed with all his breath, and felt a bitter longing for the sat nav to get knocked loose and smashed into bits.

'Aaaaarrgghhhh!'

'Whoooooooooo!'

'_Hahahahahahaha!'_

Just as Ralph had come to the acceptance that turning down that chocolate cake last night was a pretty pathetic final regret, the kart thumped to a halt. It wasn't the crippling impact Ralph had been expecting, and was nothing worse than if he'd just sat down heavily. He hadn't realised he'd had his eyes closed and, when he'd finally worked up the nerve to crack one open, he saw that they were sitting on top of a large cloud. The cloud was skimming the ground, and floating lazily towards a sign sayingCROSS TO _REALLY _FINISH THE RACE HERE!

Still in shock, Ralph robotically put the kart into gear and drove towards the finish line. His face was ash grey, his hair even more slicked back thanks to the vicious slipstream they'd fought against, and his glassy eyes were unfocused and unblinking in a way that spoke of terrors that should never be repeated.

'Yeah, you did it Fly Boy!' Vanellope whooped joyously, as she punched Ralph on the shoulder. 'That was _so _cool the way we soared down just now and you didn't even _cry_, which I really thought you were gonna do a lot of, and even though you _did _shriek like a little girl it could have been worse, which is something you've _gotta_ work hard on, 'specially before we get to the flying track with chocolate birds and cameras and you get _judged_ on how you land, and…'

'_You…why you have reached your destination!' _

Still in a slightly comatose state, Ralph felt the kart roll across the finish line. A burst of red and brown fireworks celebrated his completion of the track, and a shower of peanuts, cashews and almonds rained down on him. The nuts were all in different fluorescent colours, and all had tiny smiling faces stamped on them.

'_Despite the odds and the logic and the hope of some mean hearted souls that will remain nameless, you have actually reached your destination!' _

With one eye twitching and a light tremble taking over his entire body, Ralph brought the kart to a complete halt. The nuts then sprouted tiny arms and legs, opened their mouths to sing, and began to dance over the kart. One kissed the sat nav, one hugged it, and one put a monocle in its eye, leaned forward, and considered Ralph in curious bemusement.

'_Yes, you have finally reached your destination! Turbo-Tastic!'_


	4. Neutral 2

**AN: For anyone wondering, I've got about half a dozen exaggerated character voices I plan to write about, complete with even more crazier tracks for them to be tested out on, which means this story won't be finished just yet! It might also end up being structured like this, with a Neutral scene after each track, so that Ralph can bicker with Vanellope some more, and do some well-deserved complaining. And he might even get to find out the **_**real**_** reason why all those crazy sat navs were created in the first place…**

* * *

**Neutral – Team Briefing**

With a swirl of pixels and a headache inducing spin, Ralph saw the nut themed racetrack bleed away in front of him and, with a final twist that dislodged the last of the tiny fluorescent nuts to send them flying and shrieking overboard, the kart finally came to a stop.

Ralph looked around shakily, and saw that they had returned to the white neutral start position. He blinked, looked around some more, blinked harder, and then took a great shuddering breath as he felt some life return to him.

'Whoop!' Vanellope sprung easily out of the kart and hopped onto the front of it, lying down on her stomach to look at Ralph with a grin that threatened to split her face in two. 'So how'd ya like ya first time out here on the upgrade tracks then Stinkbrain?'

Still uncertain as to whether those ridiculous dancing nuts were simply the result of a stress induced hallucination or not, Ralph delayed a response for a few seconds. Then, deciding that the best result _was _to consider their idiotic existence as nothing more than a horrible dream, Ralph lowered his head and glared at Vanellope.

'I am _never _going through that again! You hear me? Never!'

Vanellope waved one hand in the air, dismissing Ralph's words. 'No problemo! That track's all done now anyway, and there are _loads_ more tracks for you to race on, so-'

'Let me make myself crystal clear here President Pistachio,' Ralph interrupted sharply. 'I am never _racing _again!'

'But you promised!'

'_You_ promised that Walnut Death Track was an _easy _track!'

'Well I didn't _technically _promise _that_, so-'

'That's it!' Ralph finally let go of the steering wheel and gripped the sides of the kart, as if to hoist himself out of it.

'No, wait!' Vanellope glitched off the front of the kart to appear _on _the steering wheel. 'Just one more race? Please? And this time I _promise _it will be an easy track!'

'…no,' Ralph replied hesitantly, as he looked into Vanellope's pleading eyes. '…I…'

'I know a _really _good one for you,' Vanellope continued quickly, as she balanced easily on the wheel and lowered her voice. 'It's not that chocolate themed one I mentioned, so don't stress about that; in fact it doesn't even _have _chocolate in it, since I know you don't like the stuff, not _really_, even though you told Mary you did so as not to hurt her feelings when she made that cake just for you, and now everyone thinks you love the stuff but I know differently and…and it _will_ be a nice, easy, relaxing drive for you to calm down with.' She titled her head and widened her eyes. 'Pleeeeeease?'

Ralph slowly squinted at her. '…there won't be any killer boulders in it?'

'Not one!'

'…or rope bridges?'

'Not even a _hint_ of a mountain!'

'Or sudden fake drops to your death that nearly make you throw up and faint at the same time?'

'Not unless you want one!'

Ralph looked wary at that, but the President waved her hand in the air again. 'I'm just kiddin! This'll be a cool track, I promise – it's a beach.'

'A _beach_?'

'Yeah, with sun and sand and plenty of time for you to grow another few fat folds with all the ice-creams they have there!'

'…I don't…'

'_Pleeeeeeeease?' _Vanellope clasped her hands together again and, _again_, Ralph felt something inside of himself dissolve that left him powerless to refuse her. She looked up at him unblinking and unashamed and with such supreme self-confidence that Ralph couldn't help but feeling a glow of pride; he was proud that she could be like this now after all she'd been through before.

She was looking at him as if she knew he would never _really _say no to her, because she knew he was the first person that hadn't brutally dismissed her ideas. He had never shot her down and made her feel worthless for having an idea above her supposed station, or for pouring scorn upon things she enjoyed and which set fire to her soul, and that he would _always _support her.

'Fine!' Ralph snapped, as he sat back down heavily into the kart.

'_Yes_! This'll be _such _a hot ride together, you great big lumbering hot shot you!'

Ralph shook his head. That voice of hers must be able to override his programming somehow. Maybe it was because she still glitched and he was such an old character that he couldn't just say no to her when she pleaded with him like that. Maybe it was because he liked her. Or because it was because he felt sorry for her. Or maybe it was because she was the only person he trusted completely and, no matter what the situation, he just _knew_ his life was iron clad safe in her tiny hands. She had pretty much _given _him a life, and accepted him and liked him and _trusted _him for who he was, and he knew that she was the best friend he would ever have and, as such, he would do anything to keep that friendship going.

Vanellope could be a pain, but she was _his _pain, and the thought of falling out with her or not being involved in some crazy adventure with her felt like an icicle stabbing him in the chest. He would complain and moan and pretend to be absolutely horrified by what she described, before he allowed himself to be dragged into it. Vanellope would then throw herself full tilt into it without a second's hesitation, because she _knew _that if it got truly dangerous then Ralph would put a limit on it and protect her.

Urgh, just…_urgh._

Ralph shook his head. Where on earth was all this sappy nonsense coming from? It must be the after-shocks of that plummet to doom, and the nightmare inducing boulder, and the lack of sleep and sky high blood pressure that promised an early heart attack.

Yes, this sickening train of thought must _definitely _be down to that toxic combination. And the wise words of Mr. King-Creepy-Candy-Turbo-Rotten-Tastic certainly hadn't put him in a good mood either.

'Fine!' Ralph repeated gruffly. 'But I'm getting rid of _him _first!' He continued, as he pointed at the sat nav and felt _extremely _grateful that Vanellope couldn't read his thoughts.

Ralph then covered the sat nav with one huge hand, plucked it out of its holder, gave it a well-deserved glare and then held it over the side as he crushed it into tiny bits. With a trace of a smile, Ralph then rubbed his hands together to brush of all the remaining fragments.

'Hey, we worked hard on that!' Vanellope complained, as she jumped off the steering wheel and hopped into the back. 'But good job we've got plenty left!' She rummaged round in the bag and brought out another identical looking sat nav.

Ralph groaned. 'Who we got this time then?'

'You got a rotting lump of lard jammed in your lug hole? I _told_ you I don't know; the labels came off so it's pick a guide, any guide, you find the Queen and you won't scream!'

'_What?_'

'Just plug it in!'

Ralph groaned again, and put the new sat nav in the holder. He turned it on and, after the error messaged flickered across the screen, the race track menu appeared. Ralph read the names carefully, not liking the sound of most of them, until he come to something that sounded likely.

'This the one?' He asked, pointing at a name.

'That's the golden ticket!' Vanellope confirmed, as she kicked the bag underneath the seat and punched Ralph on the shoulder. 'Let's go surf those waves!'

With a soft sigh, Ralph gingerly pressed on the line that read 'Banoffee Beach.'

A second later they pixelated and disappeared, and emerged onto a burning white shoreline. The sand was soft and perfect and studded with banana trees, and a crystal clear blue ocean stretched out in front of them. A yellow sun burned in the achingly blue sky, and an exotically coloured bird squawked lazily as it flew above their heads.

'Paradise at the flick of a switch!' Vanellope exclaimed happily, as she leaned back, put her hands above her head and stretched her legs up onto Ralph's shoulder.

'Ever heard of Lord of the Flies kid? It's no fun being stuck on a burning hot wasteland if we don't know where we're going!'

'_But we __**do **__know where we're going!'_

Ralph tensed at the sound of the sat nav kicking into life. He thought the voice sounded familiar, but he couldn't place it. '…so where are we going then?'

'_We're going somewhere super fun!'_

'_Super_ fun? Ralph echoed hesitantly. The voice had a dreamy lilt to it, as if it was disconnected from the real world.

'_Oh yeah! That is, if I can remember how to get there…'_

'_What? _You're not telling me you don't know how to-'

'_Of __**course **__I know how to get there! I'm just joking. But, er, I might need some help though. Just a __**little **__bit of help though, nothing much! Just to help a friend out in need, right Vanellope? Er, I mean your Perfect Presidentness-ness.'_

Vanellope sighed indulgently. 'Whatever you say Candlehead.'

'Candlehead?' Ralph repeated, as he leaned forward to peer at the sat nav. 'You mean that racer with a _candle_ on her head?'

'_Oh you know me! Oh wow, this is so __**cool**__ that you've heard of me! I, like, __**totally **__swear that I'll be the best guide ever, and won't run you into any danger. But if that killer tidal wave appears suddenly and washes us out into the piranha pool of no hope again, it's not my fault! I mean it's not as if anyone can __**see **__a wave about to land on their heads, is it? Oh this is so __**exciting **__that I'm being given a second chance and allowed to give directions again after what happened to that poor lost soul last time. Stick with me Ralph, and you'll have the best Banoffee Beach vacation __**ever**__!'_


	5. Third Gear

**Apologies for the delay in updating this (and my other stories), and thanks to Dixie Darlin for the Lord of the Flies reference in the last chapter – that's a story that still needs to be written one day!**

**But for now, please accept this chapter and thank you for reading :) **

* * *

**Third Gear – Banoffee Beach**

'_Candlehead?' _Ralph repeated dumbly, before his brain clicked into place and he remembered which Sugar Rush racer he was speaking to.

_'Yes my name is Candlehead, but I don't __**actually**__ have a candle for a head. There's a candle __**on** __my head you see.'_

'…what?'

_'Yeah I get confused by it too! But not any more though. Well sometimes I do, but then I remember and I'm happy again!'_

_'What?'_

_'OK I'll start slow with you because you obviously don't understand it. I have a neck you see, and on this neck is my head, but my head isn't __**actually**__ a-'_

'Are you serious?' Ralph spluttered as he gaped at the sat nav. 'Are you _actually_ being serious with me here?'

_'It's amazing, isn't it?! Someone called me Candlehead when I don't __**actually **__have a candle for a head!'_

Ralph closed his eyes. 'I…this is nonsense, I just…I can't. I just _can't_ go through a whole track listening to this! I'll go mad!'

'Come on Ralph, let's go before you get sunburnt!' Vanellope interrupted quickly. 'Start driving and we'll have a good time and-'

'_Oh sunburn! You don't want that. I had that once and I got all burnt. Like, burnt __**all **__over. By, you know, the __**sun**__.'_

'And did I hear correctly earlier?' Ralph asked sharply, before the sat nav could get another word in. 'Killer tidal wave? Piranhas? _Poor lost soul?_ I _did_, didn't I?'

Ralph's foot continued to hover over the pedal and his hand over the gearstick, as the kart's idling engine added to the sounds of the lapping waves and the squawking birds. 'I'm not feeling a lot of confidence about all of this! And you do know what happens when I'm not confident about something, don't you?'

'_Oooh, a quiz! I love quizzes. Uh, if you're not confident about something then…then you must be…then you must be the __**opposite**__ of confident; yeah, that must be it! I got one right Vanellope, I got one right! Do I get a prize this time?'_

'_What?_' Ralph exclaimed, for what felt like the millionth time. Adding to the background noise was the sound of Vanellope smacking her forehead with the palm of her hand.

'This isn't the time Candlehead,' Vanellope said with forced cheer. 'Games come later, but right now comes work, so tell Ralph where to go, and he'll follow you. …_won't you Ralph?_'

Ralph continued to hesitate, as he briefly wondered what would happen if he plucked the sat nav out of its holder, asked it 'Your prize will cool and refresh you – want to find out what it is?' and then, regardless of its answer, stretch his arm back and lob it hard into the middle of the ocean.

But then Vanellope would only complain and he'd be saddled with another sat nav. Best to get one more over and done with.

Ralph sighed, and took a deep breath. '_Fine_. Just…let's get this track completed.' He put the kart into gear and began to inch forward along the dark yellow path curving along the sand. 'But I haven't forgotten what she said about killer fish and waves, and if we get lost then I'm _really_ going to live up to my name!'

'Dealeo!' Vanellope agreed in relief.

'_Uh, when you say live up to your name, does that mean you, uh, __**don't **__currently live up to it? Are you like, __**deading**__ up to your name? But how can you be dead though? We don't ever __**really **__die. Oh, this is like one of those horrible __**philosophical **__questions I got threatened with once, isn't it?'_

'So there's this really cool ice-cream place just around the corner,' Vanellope declared loudly. 'You know the one I mean Candlehead – why don't you tell Ralph how to get there?'

'_No problem! I love ice-cream; it's so…__**creamy**__. But not so much icy though. Have you ever wondered about that? You know, about the ice and the cream?'_

Ralph continued to follow the track along the beach, the ocean to his right and a field of sand dunes to his left, and reluctantly began to wonder if he shouldn't have been so quick to destroy King Candy/Turbo's sat nav. Those two had been all sorts of painful listening, but at least they eventually responded in ways in which they should. Ralph suspected that if he detailed all kinds of horrific _accidental _sat nav crushings to Candlehead, she'd only start talking about crushed ice and was that what he meant, because she could go and make the ice and he could crush it, but first she'd have to look up the recipe for making ice because she wasn't sure, and she'd heard it was a tricky one to perfect and-

'Ralph!' Vanellope yelled, as the Wrecker started back to again.

'What?'

'Have you ever wondered about that?'

'I, well, _what_? What in gumdrops' name are you talking about?'

Vanellope failed to completely suppress a sigh. 'Candlehead was asking you about the mixture of ice and cream that goes into an ice-cream.'

Still trying to focus on the track ahead, Ralph also attempted to crane his neck around to speak to Vanellope. 'I couldn't care less! All I care about it getting to the end of this track.'

'_I…I was only as-asking you…'_

'She's very sensitive, Stinkbrain!' Vanellope hissed in Ralph's ear. 'You have to play along or she gets worked up and short circuits and then _really_ talks nonsense – that's how she got the first test driver lost!'

'_First_ test driver? I thought I was the first one to drive these tracks!' Ralph continued to follow the track along the beach, bypassing neat piles of bananas stacked into pyramids. 'There's a lot of things not adding up here kid, don't think I haven't realised that!'

Vanellope fell silent, considering her next words, as Ralph saw the path split in two up ahead. He sighed, and made a large mental note to bring this up with President Parasol the next chance he got, and to have a nice long truthful chat with her, no distractions. But that chance would only happen after the completion of this track in the neutral zone, and to complete this track he needed to find his way to the end of it.

And to do _that_, he had to play nice with his navigator.

Ralph closed his eyes briefly, opened them, took another deep breath and, as he exhaled, sat up straight and spoke cheerfully and heartily and almost convinced himself he wasn't about ready to jump out of a moving kart and bury his head in the sand.

'Say, Candlehead, how about you tell me which way to go up here – left or right – and I'll buy you the _biggest _ice-cream _ever!_'

Still with a beaming smile plastered onto his face, Ralph waited for a response.

No response.

'_She's sulking,'_ Vanellope whispered in Ralph's ear.

'Why thank you for the information,' Ralph replied through gritted teeth. They beamed white and dazzling through his fake smile, and he felt a muscle twitch in his cheek. 'I'll try again, then, shall I?'

Ralph beamed down at the sat nav, as the path's two different paths approached ever closer.

'In answer to your question just now – and what a, err, super cool one it was – I'd have to say that an ice-cream is mostly…cream. And flavour. Yeah, flavoured cream. Not so much of the ice in it, more like there's…cold, in it.'

Ralph winced at the stupidity of what he'd just said, and gripped the steering wheel tight.

But he must have given the right answer, because Vanellope let out a breath of relief and the sat nav snapped back to its former cheery self.

'_Oh I, like, __**totally**__ agree! It should be called __**cold **__cream, not __**ice **__cream. We should try and get it changed! Like start a petition or something. Or go on a march. Or do a sponsored sky-dive, or-'_

'Yeah yeah yeah, those all sound great!' Ralph agreed readily. 'But first we have to finish this track, so tell me, _please_, do I go left or right?'

'…_uhhh…'_

Ralph gripped the steering wheel even tighter, and reminded himself that if he could wait three decades before he got a home that wasn't in the dump, he certainly had enough patience to wait three seconds for an answer.

'_It's, uh…left! Yeah, I remember now! You do a left turn, or else you end up in the __**ocean **__if you do a right. And there's all water and fish and wet in the ocean, so you don't want to go in it. Well not right now you don't because you're in a kart and karts don't swim. They really don't, believe me I've asked them, so do a left Ralph! Do a left do a left do a left!'_

Ralph glanced left to where the sand dunes rolled past, and then to the right where the waves crashed past, and had to admit that turning left seemed…well it actually seemed like the common sense answer.

Which must mean _right_ is the best way to turn, because things that should be governed by sense both common and royal were in short supply on these tracks, he was well aware of that by now, and-

Ralph shook his head, stopping himself before he could really get going. He'd drive himself crazy if he questioned and doubted every possible decision and the consequences that could arise from them all.

Just take a left and see what's in the sand dunes.

With great precision Ralph turned the wheel and aligned the kart in the centre of the path that veered left. He kept their speed to a very reasonable one and at all times looked around and above and below him, to make sure nothing was going to drop on their heads or drop out from under their feet.

So far so good.

In fact it was better than good: the sun was hot but not burning, the air warm but not stifling, and a comforting smell of fresh flowers and fruit wafted gently around them. The track was easy to drive on and there seemed to be nothing but gentle – and completely stationary – looking piles of golden sand for as far as he could see.

Despite himself, Ralph felt him relax slightly. A combination of picture perfect scenery, lack of talking and peasant driving conditions quickly put his mind at rest, and he found himself actually _smiling_. Not a great big wide smile or anything, but a genuine grin was starting to form on his face.

Maybe this track wouldn't be so bad after all. He deserved it, and

'_Uh-oh…'_

Ralph's good mood instantly fizzled out, and he felt himself tense. 'By _uh-oh_ I take it you mean you've changed your mind on the ice-cream question and nothing more?'

'_Uh…I think…I think we may…'_

Ralph looked around sharply, eyes darting everywhere, trying to figure out where the next horror was going to spring from.

But there was nothing.

Just sand dunes everywhere, all of them bathed in a warm light and presided over by a cool blue sky.

'_I…'_

'Just spit it out!' Ralph finally snapped, as the anticipation finally bit through him.

'_I'm…not sure this…that this…well that this was quite the right track to take after all.'_

'_What?'_

'Oh not again,' Vanellope groaned.

Ralph slammed on the brakes and brought the kart to a sudden stop. Grains of sand blew up around them, making them cough, and Ralph used a huge arm to clear a path in front of his face.

'_No, don't worry, we're…well I think we're…we might be…._

…_not __**lost**__ exactly, but…_

…_.but __where the chocolate cupcakes __**are**__ we?'_


End file.
